| i shall never grow up...make believe is much to fun. |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
|
|
shhhhh
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
Well he’s on the table and he’s gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they’re doing here
And your friends have left you
You’ve been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And i, I want you to know
Everyone’s got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could
Put THE PAST AWAY..
| |
| [ |
userinfo |
| |
livejournal userinfo |
] |
| [ |
calendar |
| |
livejournal calendar |
] |
|
|
|
| i stole that from laurels old journal. |
[Friday
November 4th, 2005 at 10:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 think of anything else. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
me and the moon - something corporate |
] |
HAVE Y0U EVER JUST BEEN SITTiNG THERE MiNDiNG Y0UR 0WN BUSiNESS,
WHEN Y0U* HEAR THAT SAD S0NG C0ME 0N THE RADi0 Y 0 U S T A R T T 0
C R Y AND Y0U JUST CANT ST0P. BECAUSE AT THE M0MENT ALL Y0U WANT
TO DO iS TELL HIM H0W U FEEL AND JUST H0PE HE U N D E R S T A N D S
nobody comments in this thing anyways. so why do i have it...?
good question. im at home again. and i know these frequent updates,
drive you crazy. but i actually have to write them. so i think im worse off.
I only took that quote because you and me came on. and you can finish the story.
im writing notes. like the same ones i wrote last week because i can never seem
to get the words right. but i do try. monday is gona suck so bad. times like now
i wish i didnt go to nova. or i wish i didnt feel anything. or maybe that none
of this actually happened. that would be better. but anyways. let me distract myself.
things i hate as of right now:
Hair coming out in the shower and getting everywhere
The multiple straight irons ive had this week
How things seem to work out.
Waiting.
This itch on my nose
How im not over it and its been like 3 weeks. so i feel like an IDIOT.
How im actually at home.
Things im kinda liking right now:
this song on the radio
my nail polish
most of my friends
the cheesecake my mom made. =)
|
|
2 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| a;sldkfj @#$%^ |
[Friday
November 4th, 2005 at 2:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lost, stupid, retarded, pissed |
] |
so its almost 3 and i woke up at like. 2 30. felt good. i don't know what to say. so i guess i'll just keep typing and blah blah.
part of me wants to move on and the other part of me wants to hang on to what used to be there. like everything that waws good keeps coming into my head and its hard to ignore. alex says im being fake because i plan what i say to make him laugh or at least try too. says im not being myself. well for the past 11 months ive been jordan and alex. so its hard to just be myself without making a whole new person. i want to be me you know...i mean like trying to be something better obviously gets me nowhere.
all im doing is going on about this in here. but. its really the only thing constantly on my mind. sometimes it seems like im moving on and that everything will be okay. and other times its seems like im stuck in the same place while everything else around me is moving.
maybe i didn't do anything wrong. but why does it feel like everything is my fault? half the time people dont even know what to say to me anymore. so i guess i just won't say anything. it beats annoying the hell out of people.
forget about it and move on.
trying to. so dont think im not. its just...it would be so much easier if...i dont know. if i didnt care as much. if i didnt care about him. the worst thing i did was make him my everything.
good thing he didnt do the same.
i dont know whatever. fuck this.
|
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| Our boats collide, we feel the breeze |
[Tuesday
November 1st, 2005 at 1:48am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the get up kids |
] |
So this whole hurricane business has been completely stupid. And we just got power back after about a week. Yeah a week. Gay shit isn’t it. But now we don’t have Internet. But really talking about not having Internet isn’t the reason for typing this whole thing. And I did my own eyebrows because they were getting out of hand. God help me. Please.
Shelley passed out at Ricky’s, this restaurant and it scared the shit out of me. Neither of us had eaten all day and we had just ran to get change. But she just passed out, my mom caught her thank god because that floor was disgusting. And that right there was the only thing keeping me from dropping too.
Being away from school and from Alex I think has kind of help with a few things. I’m not as sad as I was. But I know that as soon as I get back to school all of the things that I swear I’ve gotten over and all of the things that I think won’t hurt me anymore. Will basically come rushing back. I keep telling myself it won’t happen that way if I don’t let it. But sometimes that just doesn’t work.
It just kills me how its like…yeah those 11 months, guess what Jordan, they didn’t happen. Hurts but its not like the fact that it does is going to change anything. He says he’s my friend and that he cares about me. So tell me why when he sees me at school, and knows something is wrong, he just keeps walking like it doesn’t matter. Nice isn’t it. It still hurts me that he can be so okay and act like I don’t exist. Like dumping me wasn’t enough? But I can’t blame him for everything and I don’t. I’m not going to sit here and say yeah Alex sucks and I deserve better. Because I DON’T even think like that. I said and did pretty stupid things. Mostly said. Yeah I wish I could take them back now because some of the things I said probably hurt him and I didn’t even know it. Or they pissed him off and I just kept going. I didn’t mean to hurt him but after a point I didn’t even know that he felt anything because everything I said even if it was good. Id be some horrible person. But im NOTTT saying that like, Alex sucks and blah blah blah and I deserve so much better. NOOOO. I’m not saying anything like that. And I never have because its not true and I basically blame myself for the whole thing anyways. So if your thinking that that’s what im doing. fuck you. Simple isn’t it.
I’m trying to shut myself down and not feel. It’s so much easier that way and it’s like everything just bounces off of you. Would be nice if it would work though.
I love how when people start talking shit. Like the extremely ridiculous kind. They deny that they even said anything. I don’t ask questions I don’t already know the answer to. And nobody seems to get that. I just love to see people be like no I don’t talk shit blah blah blah blah. And I just laugh because they know their lying. So that makes them two faced hypocrites and liars. Not good things to be. I prefer the people who come out and tell me. Hey, your being a bitch. Like laurel does. Thank god because if she didn’t then I wouldn’t know when to stop. And she says it because I probably am being one. So I love her for that. But all of the people who talk shit and I never even did anything to them. There the funny ones. Because when I ask them what I ever did to them. They either trip over their words. Or come up with something that makes them look stupid.
I love it.
But if someone was talking shit about you. And you knew it. Then they denied it. Wouldn’t you laugh too?
The only time it slightly bothers me. Is when it’s someone I thought I could trust. Or someone who I help and am there for. And they screw me over. That just pisses me off.
I made laurel this picture thing like the one I made her for the end of the year.
I think its pretty but I couldn’t find my gold shiny pen so I was just a tad bit disappointed.
But I hope she liked it. =)
She better. Took a whole 20 minutes out of my life.
GEEEZZUUUMMSS.
Now comment because I love to reply to them.
And ill decorate them and make them all pretty.
Just for YOU.
And everyone else who comments.
|
|
4 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| These nights I just get high from breathing. |
[Sunday
October 23rd, 2005 at 3:30pm] |
That song is really starting to bother me.
Like I'm not sad enough.
But anyways.
Theres no fucking point in being like.
OMG I MISS HIM I NEED HIM I LOVE HIM.
Because if that would actually work.
I would consider doing it.
But guys dont like to be guilt tripped.
So forget it.
But its hard for me to understand.
How I would still do anything for this kid.
If he turned to me and needed help or
He needed someone to talk to. Or just needed someone.
I'd be there no questions asked
Why?
Because YES.
I do still love him.
And care about him so much.
But I wont advertise that.
He says that I'm his friend
And of course he cares about me.
So then why is it so hard.
To see if im okay.
Maybe once in a while ..
Seems like hes putting forth an effort
To not talk to me. Or to be mean.
Without really being mean.
But how can you go from...
ALMOST A YEAR
to nothing. In like two seconds.
I thought I meant a little more than that.
Someone told me
"Yeah he still loves you.
He reallys does. He said he just needs time to heal.
He still cares about you so much
And loves you."
Yeah that right there.
Bullshit. Because I asked him.
Said he never said anything like that.
Maybe hes lying.
But I completely doubt that.
Regardless. I love him.
Miss him. And wish.
That I wasnt so bad.
Ive been so wrapped up.
And i feel bad about it.
Its like I can't be there for people.
And I want to be.
I want to be his friend.
But its so hard because like.
How can I do that?
Stupid question.
But even talking to him sometimes.
Makes me wanna just. @^&%$*# !!
Its like he wont let me be his friend.
And like I said before.
Hurts more that im losing a best friend ..
|
|
7 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| my eljay is really ugly. |
[Thursday
October 20th, 2005 at 7:37pm] |
but thats besides the point. i dont know why but ive got to just talk. so. lets do it.
i walk away when i cry because im afraid of people being annoyed. and i really just dont wana bother people. and i dont know if it bothers people or not.
i just dont wana annoy anyone by crying. because sometimes thats all i want to do. is sit there and cry.
ive gotta admit. that im scared. scared of moving on because of what ill leave behind. and im afraid that im pushing him away. trying to be his friend when hes not ready. i dont know if i should be happy that maybe well be friends. or sad because thats all we might ever be.
he still means everything to me. and to forget him isnt easy. yeah we fought but the fights seem to stupid now. all the stuff that made me crazy. so pointless.
im scared that i wont fall in love. as stupid as that sounds. and that if i do. it wont be real. im afraid that ill be alone. that i am alone.
that ill always miss him. and that its ALL my fault.
i dont want to make him feel akward. or anything like that. i dont even know what im doing.
but its gotta be wrong.
and what scares me the most.
is i lost my boyfriend.
and my best friend.
|
|
1 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| i usually dont cry in entrys. but today is different. |
[Sunday
September 18th, 2005 at 3:40pm] |
i miss my cat alot.
and i miss him a lot to...
just to inform everyone.
there is no me and alex anymore.
im saying this to save myself from the
how are you and alex? questions.
dont go up to him and be like.
your such an asshole.
or anything involving stuff like that.
because ill bitch you out for it.
then i wont talk to you.
i do miss him a lot tho.
like im acting like nothing happened.
just because i dont wana cry in front of everyone.
i really dont.
and i still love him.
thats not changing anytime soon.
ive heard things like
"he'll realize what hes losing and know
hes making a mistake..."
but i dont believe stuff like that.
because i know him.
i understand why everything happened.
im not mad.
really im not.
being just friends...wasnt on my to do list.
but ill be okay.
seriously i will....i think.
|
|
2 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
|
[Friday
September 2nd, 2005 at 4:27pm] |
thinking about it.
i dont want a party.
its not even a birthda party.
just another excuse for my mom to throw a party.
so its useless right?
i told her that 2nd lunch was great
and that i hang out with like
a million people
so she would stop worrying. and crying.
but get real. thats so far from true.
i miss my dad.
well. not him exactly.
you cant miss someone who was never there.
i miss the idea of having a dad.
knowing that hes there.
i dont know what thats like eiher.
but i wish i did.
sometimes i feel like im 5.
wishing and hoping that my dad will call.
maybe see he wants to see me.
or just call to say something other than.
all you do is cause problems.
that would be nice.
but i know itll never happen.
but part of me still wont let it go.
i wish for a lot of things.
and like most people.
none of them ever happen.
i overreact about a lot of stuff.
mostly things that i care about.
but are stupid to other people.
everyones like, you cant complain about being alone.
but they dont know what it feels like.
they probably dont have to go home.
to an empty house. and be alone.
come to school and be alone.
and when there not alone.
they get yelled at.
they dont know what thats like.
and i hope nobody ever does.
nobody has time anymore.
its hard to find someone to hang out with.
when everybody has someone already.
and theyve got no time to fit you into anything.
then if you hang out with them.
its a two person conversating.
and your just being annoying.
i dont like rushing.
to see alex in between classes.
i fucked my lunch. i know that.
but still...it would be nice.
if all the rushing would just stop.
but its not gona.
we talk.
but its not the same.
in my eyes.
i dont know how it seems to everyone else.
he has no time.
and im not going to once soccer starts.
so whats the point.
there isnt one
i already said i dont like rushing around.
nova needs to do something.
for the people in louisana.
because if they cant fucking do something good
for there own students.
they should do something for people who really need it.
i want to.
but nobody listens to me. even if im right.
|
|
2 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| kldsbgidsrueyea |
[Tuesday
July 26th, 2005 at 9:36pm] |
|
so. lets see. fought with laurel. christina. sara. and now me and alex are like. nothing? something? i dont know. i hate updating. because nobody comments. and its usually like. a pointless comment anyways.
|
|
5 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| hmmm. alexs |
[Monday
July 18th, 2005 at 5:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 slightly...missing people |
] |
welll...idk what to do today. going school shopping. heard people were gona go to rapids. but they didnt have a ride. sucks. anyways. i dont really care. doin rapids this saturday with RACHEL and alex and....who else is down? its like im not friends with some people. anymore that is. which is sad...but then i guess it shows how good of friends we used to be...? idk. i just know its sad. doesnt hurt...well kind of but ill get over it i guess. i found the coolest restaurant. yeeaaa. anyways. my entries are getting boring. because nothings happened and ive hung out with nobody. but w/e. tell me if ur goin on saturday.
|
|
4 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| rachels tits are growing. |
[Sunday
July 17th, 2005 at 1:08am] |
|
hmmm...well im 115. so its like 3 more to go. score. anyways im on the phone with rachel. shes stupid so she put a hot motz-er-ella stick in her hand and screamed. god shes amazing. hhmmm..well ive got nothing to do. i wana go to the keys. that has to be done. soon. hmmm...i need to do something with laurel. rachels taking over my house next weekend. so im gona throw laurel into that to. =). because were cool. found somewhere. where i can get a surfboard. its 7' and it says WOOSTER. god i love it. $450. yea i know right.
|
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| yea... |
[Saturday
July 16th, 2005 at 2:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 yea... |
] |
being lonely is horrible. i want my cat. and i wont let him go. im being an idiot about this. but its my cat. the only thing that keeps me from being completely lonely when im home alone. which is a lot. theres really nobody around. well they are. but you know...
so im gona try to sleep.
|
|
1 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| so this is whats up. |
[Friday
July 15th, 2005 at 10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
i want to be happy for him |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
chariot |
] |
i want to be 112 lbs. dont ask why. its because i feel like it. alex just called and hes having a good time. so thats good. hes going to one of the waterparks tomorrow...yay =). i keep thinking about my cat. i know its completely stupid but i never really thought about how everything would be without him around. idk. i walked into the new house and started looking for him then my mom reminded me he was at my aunts. idk. i cried yea...but it was long overdue. lasted about 10 minutes but i guess it felt good. i wish i didnt cry ovre stupid things. im watching that sprite commercial with that doll thing. that makes me smile. me and shelley get along now finally...she ruined this shirt i made her by putting beads on it. loser. it feels like im losing touch with some people. whichs makes me sad to...i need a picture update. but i dont have any good ones right now. so ull live. im blahsefsgfosabfgsaobgs. so thats why this is so boring.
|
|
6 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| when i think about it... |
[Friday
July 15th, 2005 at 9:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad/happy/catatonic/bleh |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the wiggles are on disney... |
] |
i hate that feeling. when you know someones leaving. its like when they come to say goodbye...your getting yourself ready for when they actually walk away. but when you see them leaving..like u see the car going out of the driveway...its completely different...were moved into our new house. shit is everywhere. i was hot sweaty and gross and some guy still had the nerve to say hey baby do i know you? what ur age girl...i hate that shit. and its really just the beginning. most of the people arent even moved in yet and its already started. i want a stun gun. but my moms making me settle for mase. alex is gone. and ive got his house for the weekend. idk. im seriously trying to see the best of things. like the new house. ok. its new. and i like my room....ive gotta get rid of my cat. and thats not gona be fun. its weird how...normally hes just there..after school he sits on my feet and when i go to sleep he sleeps in the little curve in my back..but i think about it and i dont wana give him up. my mom tried once when i was 9...i locked myself into my room with the cat. yea i know...completely stupid...but i was 9 so let it go..idk...someone call me this weekend im in ft.lauderdale thank god..i hate pompano..but you know.
|
|
4 i wont say a word
|
ill wait until you listen.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
but_u_promised's journal
bouncy